I’m tired of taking medication. This never really struck me till Zhong came, and I’m just simply tired of popping expensive pills, not subsidised by ANYTHING. I’m not willing to pay that amount any more, without any substantial improvement. I’m still tired, sometimes depressed, sometimes ok. I’m tired of asking myself whether this is working. Since I missed my last appointment totally by accident, I shall not go back unless I’m called up…
It may not be wise, but I’m just tired. Giving up is easier…
Tired. A bit angry – but don’t know what at. Sleepy. Not too hungry. Reluctant to do things other than escape, sleep.
It’s been a long while since I got the discipline to blog. It’s been a long while since I got the discipline to do anything.
Depression takes a lot out of you – at least the books tell me so. It’s partly a relief to know that part of depression comes with an inability to focus for long periods of time – or at least it’s not easy. Let me sum up quickly before I lose focus:
- Lack of focus for long periods of time
- Lack of energy to do much
- Tendency to sleep too much
- Tendency to sleep too little
- Unable to socialise
Those are just a few of them, and I suffer from most of these traits. What it means for me is that I can’t focus on my programming especially when it’s difficult, and for a programmer, that’s a nightmare. I also tend not to help out at home now because I just simply feel terrible after doing something. Then again, when I feel the urge, I can quickly sweep the whole house.
Yes I’m still suffering from depression. Earlier I said it’s partly a relief – because I feel guilty that I can’t do more, either at work or at home. And that guilt is also part of the depression as we’re wired to tell ourselves we’re not the best we can be. And to allow myself space to recover, I need to tell myself that it’s part of the sickness.
Hey my mum used to cane me for being lazy.
Anyway, I had another “episode” a while back – curled up in bed and couldn’t move. Even my son couldn’t get me out of bed. I’ve got wonderful, understanding bosses and a wonderful wife who’re helping me through this, but I really depend on God to heal me. He hasn’t seen fit to get me to recover yet, but I know I’ll be better at some point. Just praying that those who depend on me won’t suffer for it…
Switching over to wordpress instead. As I noted on my old blog, WordPress has a nifty function that allows it to update itself. That is simply cool. Not to mention lots of easy to install and use plugins – see the junior hamster’s pics on the sidebar?
On another note – why am I blogging again?
I continue to be humbled by God’s grace in His comfort and care shown by the people around me. Thank you to those who have continued to ask after me especially after reading this blog.
I have to be honest – at times I do wonder whether it’s a better idea to just remove these posts so I don’t publicise this. Depression is an oft-misunderstood disease and I do sometimes fear what others will think of me. But I feel that as a Christian, life isn’t always easy, and sometimes through no fault of your own. And this is part of the Christian walk – clinging on to God and trying to pray even when you don’t feel at all.
But nonetheless, thank you to those few who do read this blog and have kept yourselves quietly concerned with my condition. I am now on medication after seeing a psychiatrist at SGH. The condition is definitely improving, but it’s really too early to tell. The medication usually only really helps matters 6 to 8 weeks into the course. Also, the doctor did mention it’ll be at least a few months of medication.
Please pray for minimal side effects, and for me to recover. Please pray for healing for the both of us as well – depression not only affects the sufferer, but those around him or her.
Thanks again and God bless! 
I wonder how many people know where the title came from.
I went for a jog yesterday – quite a short one, I think about 1 click at most. Even then I was quite winded by the end of it. Kept reminding myself to SLOW DOWN but my feet just went pitter patter. I stopped by the zi char store near my place to say hi to the owners since we haven’t visited for a while now. They were happy to see me – but hey, we haven’t shopped at their place for a while, so how much of their smiles were real? I shall be less cynical and abandon this line of thought.
Calmer since I switched away from an old brand of fish oil that my dad bought for me. I’m taking a fish oil supplement that’s mercury tested from Blackmore’s. Not sure if it’s the lack of tooth grinding since the tooth came out, or whether it’s the fish oil, but I can’t decide for sure whether I’m depressed or not. Which is definitely a step up from knowing that I’m depressed because the wall in front of me is very attractive and would be more attractive with my brains dashed against it. Which in turn is a scary thought.
Christ has been my anchor – partly because He gave me my dear wife and child, and mostly because I keep reminding myself that He won’t be happy if I gave in and did something stupid. And stupid is what it is – God has been very merciful and gracious, and all I can think of is how easy life would be if I just didn’t have to do anything. I’m so blessed, and yet I’m greedy for more because of my depression. When I say more, I mean less – less life itself. Nothing to think about, nothing to have to handle. What holds me back are my responsibilities, the awareness that it’s the depression talking, the FACT that I am blessed, the image of Christ staring at me from the cross, arms bleeding. Gross to non-Christians – but that blood bought my life. I have no right not to bow to Him and give up my little life for Him.
I think in a way that’s the greatest anchor and the greatest relief. On the one hand it’s with a sense of obligation to His sacrifice that I know my life is no longer mine. On the other hand it’s with a sense of awe and joy knowing that He was willing to give up His life for mine. It’s at once liberating and at once awe-inspiring.
I hate that despite all that, I still sin against Him by disobeying Him. This isn’t related to my depression – I am aware that the depression causes some irrational thought or actions which I don’t blame myself for. If I’m honest with myself, there are sins that I commit on a regular basis which are outright unfair and done despite knowing what I should be doing. I want to hate that sin and stop it but it’s infinitely not easy, and I keep praying that God would help me.
On the other hand, the depression doesn’t help matters. 
Anyway, back to work. I’ve been feeling more focused since the tooth was out – the pain got me to focus on what I was doing that day, and for a while now the focus is sharper, better. Not so easily distracted. I still struggle to remember things, but an online to-do list helps with that.
Toodle.
The depression hit hard again last week. I was planning to go to the gym, and when simply imagining changing to prepare for exercise, I had the most morbid thoughts and I kept shuddering inside. Had to do with self harm rather than harming other people in the changing room, but it put me off enough that I ended up slinking over Vivocity and spending 20 bucks on dinner. And of course, crashing down in my mood.
But looking back on it, it was just nice to sit and watch the world go by. Maybe I need to do that just a little bit more.
So, back on meds again for a short while. Another 10 days worth.
In other news, I had my wisdom tooth out today. It was growing straight down and grinding on my lower molar. Woke me up sometimes at night. So out it goes. Made an appointment at the National Dental Center near my place. I had another tooth filled in as well (got a scare when the dentist patiently told me that it was decaying and we needed to get the decay out AND if the decay was too deep, we’d have to do a root canal. “Do you know what a root canal treatment involves?” I only knew it goes real deep, and I don’t want one. Anyway as it turns out, a root canal treatment involves taking out the nerve under a tooth and replacing it with a root canal as the decay would already be too deep and affect the nerve. And I didn’t need one. Thank you God.) and then had my wisdom tooth taken out. It was HUGE. I’m keeping it because I can’t believe how big it is. Maybe I’ll post a picture some day. 
And now the anesthetic has totally worn off, I’m kicking myself for being so gung ho as to tell the doctor (they’re all doctors – just for teeth, that’s all) that I didn’t need the MC after all. Stupid stupid. But work demands are high lah.
Back to work with a wince… and praying hard the depression ends.
Someone reminded me I better update my latest condition. Things are looking up – but still easily tired. At least my mood swings aren’t as bad! Looks like I can actually survive this.
Please keep praying – those who already do, that is – I finished the last bout of medication and am still monitoring.
Thanks for all the concern and prayers.
I went to see the doctor again last Thursday, fully expecting to be referred to a psychiatrist. After all, nothing had really changed. He took one look at me, however, and just said “More medicine.” I was a little nonplussed so I asked “Is that all?” His reply – “What else? Do you need me to double your medication?” After telling him the last dosage didn’t really do much until the 4th or 5th day, he decided to double the dosage.
I’m on the 5th day now, and things are finally looking up. At least I don’t get massive mood swings, and my diet seems pretty much back to normal. But there’re still occasional signs of the depression peeking out, such as sudden mood drops and sudden lack of energy. Plus I woke myself up last night muttering in my sleep.
So why am I blogging this? Because a Christian’s life is not entirely rosy, and I do want Mun Yew or any other child I have to know that I struggled with this in the past. No one knows how prevalent depression will be when they are old enough to work, but nonetheless, some knowledge in this area can go a long way if they ever meet any friends with depression. At least they’ll know not to say “Find joy in the Lord, and all will be well” to a clinically depressed person.
Yes, that’s not a good idea. It makes the clinically depressed person feel like he or she is wholly responsible for the feeling of depression. It’s like telling an amputee that he or she should rejoice that he or she doesn’t have a limb. Somewhat correct, but totally tactless, and very very painful.
In other news, Flickr now allows limited video uploads. I am definitely renewing my membership when it’s up for renewal.
