Update on an update on an update

It’s been a long while since I got the discipline to blog. It’s been a long while since I got the discipline to do anything.

Depression takes a lot out of you – at least the books tell me so. It’s partly a relief to know that part of depression comes with an inability to focus for long periods of time – or at least it’s not easy.  Let me sum up quickly before I lose focus:

• Lack of focus for long periods of time
• Lack of energy to do much
• Tendency to sleep too much
• Tendency to sleep too little
• Unable to socialise

Those are just a few of them, and I suffer from most of these traits. What it means for me is that I can’t focus on my programming especially when it’s difficult, and for a programmer, that’s a nightmare. I also tend not to help out at home now because I just simply feel terrible after doing something. Then again, when I feel the urge, I can quickly sweep the whole house.

Yes I’m still suffering from depression. Earlier I said it’s partly a relief – because I feel guilty that I can’t do more, either at work or at home. And that guilt is also part of the depression as we’re wired to tell ourselves we’re not the best we can be. And to allow myself space to recover, I need to tell myself that it’s part of the sickness.

Hey my mum used to cane me for being lazy.

Anyway, I had another “episode” a while back – curled up in bed and couldn’t move. Even my son couldn’t get me out of bed. I’ve got wonderful, understanding bosses and a wonderful wife who’re helping me through this, but I really depend on God to heal me. He hasn’t seen fit to get me to recover yet, but I know I’ll be better at some point. Just praying that those who depend on me won’t suffer for it…