Life, the Universe and Everything
I wonder how many people know where the title came from.
I went for a jog yesterday – quite a short one, I think about 1 click at most. Even then I was quite winded by the end of it. Kept reminding myself to SLOW DOWN but my feet just went pitter patter. I stopped by the zi char store near my place to say hi to the owners since we haven’t visited for a while now. They were happy to see me – but hey, we haven’t shopped at their place for a while, so how much of their smiles were real? I shall be less cynical and abandon this line of thought.
Calmer since I switched away from an old brand of fish oil that my dad bought for me. I’m taking a fish oil supplement that’s mercury tested from Blackmore’s. Not sure if it’s the lack of tooth grinding since the tooth came out, or whether it’s the fish oil, but I can’t decide for sure whether I’m depressed or not. Which is definitely a step up from knowing that I’m depressed because the wall in front of me is very attractive and would be more attractive with my brains dashed against it. Which in turn is a scary thought.
Christ has been my anchor – partly because He gave me my dear wife and child, and mostly because I keep reminding myself that He won’t be happy if I gave in and did something stupid. And stupid is what it is – God has been very merciful and gracious, and all I can think of is how easy life would be if I just didn’t have to do anything. I’m so blessed, and yet I’m greedy for more because of my depression. When I say more, I mean less – less life itself. Nothing to think about, nothing to have to handle. What holds me back are my responsibilities, the awareness that it’s the depression talking, the FACT that I am blessed, the image of Christ staring at me from the cross, arms bleeding. Gross to non-Christians – but that blood bought my life. I have no right not to bow to Him and give up my little life for Him.
I think in a way that’s the greatest anchor and the greatest relief. On the one hand it’s with a sense of obligation to His sacrifice that I know my life is no longer mine. On the other hand it’s with a sense of awe and joy knowing that He was willing to give up His life for mine. It’s at once liberating and at once awe-inspiring.
I hate that despite all that, I still sin against Him by disobeying Him. This isn’t related to my depression – I am aware that the depression causes some irrational thought or actions which I don’t blame myself for. If I’m honest with myself, there are sins that I commit on a regular basis which are outright unfair and done despite knowing what I should be doing. I want to hate that sin and stop it but it’s infinitely not easy, and I keep praying that God would help me.
On the other hand, the depression doesn’t help matters. 
Anyway, back to work. I’ve been feeling more focused since the tooth was out – the pain got me to focus on what I was doing that day, and for a while now the focus is sharper, better. Not so easily distracted. I still struggle to remember things, but an online to-do list helps with that.
Toodle.
